hamilton.likes.to.draw...

i am sitting on the toilet thinking about how things have gone down recently. it's always hard to figure things out in the moment, and i often find myself pondering topics long into the night when sleep would be preferable.

i want to be happy. i want to live a life where i learn the skills that let me do the things i enjoy, and allow me to use my talents to benefit those around me. it frustrates me to no end when i think about what i could be doing if i just had someone who could genuinely show me how to do it. some people are incapable of learning new things. i have difficulty deciding which new things to focus on learning.

i recently got a new computer and discovered that linux works relatively fine on my old laptops.  in doing so i managed to save some of my website files off of those harddrives, but honestly not enough.  i am genuinely sad that i dont have a backup of those files anywhere.

i keep thinking i should write some music. i want to get a new guitar.

... but i dont really need another distraction.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

I found a computer at one point, and now I am using it for some basic work. I think when my new computer comes in, I might set this one up as some sort of lowend server.

I did some work today on my old website code. I was on a server previously that was not completely up to date, and this new server has allowed me to implement some of the newer flashier php5 elements. I have been learning Java in order to program for the android phone, and its more advanced object oriented programming has taught me how to better utilize the php5 oop setup. I find myself to be an infinitely more efficient coder than I was a mere year ago. And I am also a better artist. I'm going to implement some gui changes on this blog, and then get back into coding on the android, but i will always have a soft spot for php, as it was the language that taught me to love.

It certainly has been a long time since I posted anything on the Internet that wasn't on facebook. It's not because I have forgotten you, journal, mainly its a thing of convenience, and I haven't felt like talking.

Some people may be interested in what I've been up to. I'm engaged to be married to the marvelous Victoria Calderon. I have a job as an art director at a company called Concept Art House, and that job means that I now live in San Francisco.

I have also been reading a lot lately. I have managed to read through 8 Wheel of Time books in the past 5 months, and almost all of it done on the Bart between home and work. Maybe I'll even draw some more art for it when I'm done.

My website went down about a year ago, and that might have also contributed to my not updating this blog. I downloaded and android app called ljbeetle and I'm writing this on my way home. Maybe I'll start blogging again if this turns out to be convenient enough.

i haven't had my own computer in months. i've been using victoria's, because she is kind and generous, and because both of my laptops have gone to shit. it saddens me actually. to think of how much computing power i have just lying around wasted. sigh.

i've been doing a whole lot of nothing recently. at work, i've been reading asimov. i should be trying to sell hard, since john will be going on vacation soon, and i am essentially taking all of his shifts, but instead i find myself in the most sincere work doldrums. i just want to finish reading foundation again, and then maybe i will get back my vim and vigor. on the other hand, i've got a card set i think is late, although i can't find the paperwork, and another that is already nearing it's deadline, even though i have yet to even make a dent in it.

sigh. at least my relationship is on the upswing. we are learning how to deal with each other. it's a process that plays out in every story ever, and you STILL tell yourself, i'll never make those mistakes. ah well. we live, we learn, and if we make it through, we're stronger for it. i pray to continue to make it through. this girl has become special to me. she brightens my day. i only hope that sometimes i do the same.

i can't decide whether i'm moving forward or backward, but i like to hope it's more like circular. all things come and go in their own time, and right now i am going in the direction of traditional media. i was devoted only to digital media for the longest time, and now drawing on a tablet seems awkward and strange to me. i've been doing so many pen and brush and pencil drawings recently that it's the only thing that feels real. i threw myself into the creation of so many sketch cards that i believe i have fairly well mastered the use of the brush faster than most people do. sketch cards will do that to you. draw 200 drawings sometime and see if you don't get good at whatever medium you're using.

but even as my brushing gets better, i can't help but think about how much potential digital art has, and how i might be missing out on valuable growth in that department, by focusing solely on brush work.

... oh well. i can't exactly do sketch cards digitally, now can i?

the conversation circled around for an hour, but the gist of it was this, she said to me, "i can't tell you why i'm mad, because you're just going to try to convince me why i shouldn't be mad." to which i replied, "you're goddamn right i am."

i was so startled by her statement that i literally had to step back and gather my thoughts into a cohesive retort. and here is what i came up with. i get to have any and every chance to stop you from being mad. why would you want to be mad? if i did something wrong, genuinely, then you have the right to be mad. but you don't want to be mad... do you? i don't want you to be mad. it doesn't do me any good, and it doesn't do you any good. so why would you want to STOP ME from stopping you from being mad. because you think i'll think less of you? no way. the only time i think less of you is when you DON'T TELL ME WHY YOU'RE MAD! because what can i do about it? i can't defend myself because i don't know why you're mad, and if you don't want me to stop you, that means you just want to stay mad. and yes, THAT makes me think less of you.

but give me the chance, any chance, EVERY chance to make you not mad. cuz 99% of the time, i dont know what the fuck you're talking about. because guess what? i don't want you mad! so if i don't want you mad, then why would i have done something to piss you off on purpose? ours is not a relationship spiraling around the acrimonious asshole of defeat. ours is a healthy young relationship. which only stays healthy by conversation and my opportunity to defuse any situation.

so if i ever do something that pisses you off, don't hold it in and stew over it all day and then bring it up while we're having fun and i say something else that inadvertently sets you off. tell me immediately. something like this "hey, are you serious?" and i'll be all "nah, i'm not serious" and then please, if you don't want to just be mad at me, accept that. because, if i'm mad at you, i'll tell you i'm serious. if i'm not really mad at you, if it wasn't really that big of a deal, i'll tell you i'm kidding, and as far as everyone is concerned, that is now true, whether or not it was a second ago. but chances are much better that i just said something to be funny, or did something to be cute, and you took it the wrong way. you took it the wrong way, and instead of discussing it, you stayed mad all day, and now you're too embarrassed because you realize i don't know what you're talking about and maybe you misinterpreted something and you think i'll think less of you for it. well i won't, but i wouldn't have even less if you had just talked about it earlier.

all of this is not to say i had a fight with someone tonight. because i don't have fights, because i'd rather solve problems. you see, i'm a problem solver, and sometimes people create their own quagmire of problems for themselves that they think they can't get out of because the other person will think less of them. well even though we likely won't think less of you, if we do, it's likely a temporary thing. a lot more temporary than the hate we have for games being played with us.

this is a cautionary tale, kids. some people like to play the "you know what you did" game, and i'm calling bullshit on that, right here, right now. because guess what, we don't know what you're talking about.

i guess it's possible there are people out there who do want to piss each other off. if you're those people FUCK OFF! you're ruining life for everyone. if you're not, then talk it out. don't keep it secret. just like when you were a kid, i'm not gonna be mad at you if you just admit it. i might be mad a little, but i'll get over it. but not if you lie about... or even just keep it from me. that's harder to get over. be up front people. save everyone a little hassle, and a little heartache. talk it out.

i don't sleep enough, but luckily, now i have plenty of room to sleep on. i am a newly converted big fan of the air mattress. the air pump is a good workout, and a queen size bed is only like 25-60 bucks. it folds over to the wall when you don't want it, and it's just gigantic.

i dunno why i slept on a twin for so long. i also got some 300 count sheets and like a 20 dollar pillow. i sleep very well now. i dunno if you've priced pillows recently. but that's a pretty decent pillow. MY PILLOW COST AS MUCH AS MY BED! of course, my sheets cost twice that.

none of this has any bearing on anything though, other than my own comfort level. my life is even more on coast than ever it was before. i work two jobs now, even though they are right next to each other. when one job ends, the other wants me to help. when i get a day off, both jobs want me to help. and i help. most days. caricatures are fun, but i hate the waiting. i hate the standing around and wasting precious time that could be spent doing something even mildly productive. i waste so much of my time. i hate to think about it. how much better a person i could be, how much more cultured, how much more involved, how much more defined i could be, if i wasn't required to stand around and WAIT for someone to want to be drawn.

i just want to be doing something, you know? that's why i love the wood shop. i can carve signs literally all day. he WANTS me to carve signs. free signs, expensive signs, example signs. just be working. but sometimes when it's particularly slow, since i'm behind a counter, and since i'm not knotts, and since i'm kind of a big deal, i just sit back there and read john carter of mars on my blackberry pearl. the blackberry has afforded me the opportunity to read again. i can't carry around a book all the time. but my phone goes everywhere, and it has books on it. and edgar rice burroughs books were all free. i like reading on this thing so much, i might start buying books. who knows. i think my reading speed might even be improving. i can only look at so much at a time, so it doesn't allow my eyes to wander all over the place and get lost, which has always been my problem before now.

but i also love carving signs. caricatures is super hit and miss, cuz sometimes people just don't get it. but when you make someone a kickass sign, and they look at it and they love it, and they look at you with those wondering eyes, like "how did you know exactly what i wanted?" it's great. it's an amazing feeling. and i LOVE making free signs for kids. kids eat it up, man. they see it made and they think it's so cool, and then you hand it to them, and they feel it, and then you say they can keep it, and they just get all excited. like they can't even speak most of the time, they're so amazed. it's totally awesome.

i don't know where my life will be in 2 years. it's all up in the air. i keep fucking up in my online professional life, but set me in a brick and mortar store, and i will OWN that place in 5 years. i'm too motivated to sit around at a job and do nothing. but now i'm working two jobs. both of whom want me to run their stuff. i am in an optimum position, if only i was more cutthroat and not such a softy.

happy mother's day

i watched twilight last night. there are certain things a man must endure to be able to carry a conversation with women, and this was the current thing. the movie was actually alright. but it wasn't anything too special. but mediocrity is not it's problem.

what the problem is, is edward. edward is a boy written by a woman who has no idea how to write a man. edward is the most pussified tough guy i've ever seen in film comics or literature. on the surface he seems tough and mysterious. the kind of guy every girl might want to wisk them away. but underneath... is a hollow of a man. edward is a lapdog. a whiny, weak-willed, boytoy that any real woman would use up and throw away in an instant.

this story may seem to be empowering to women, but really it's just telling them that what they should settle for is a guy that won't challenge them at all. that can barely challenge himself. a boy that has no ambition until he meets the girl who suddenly becomes his obsession. THAT'S A BAD SCENARIO, GIRLS.

of course he might change over the course of the series. i haven't read the books. but judging this book by it's cover, i would doubt that.

i dunno if you've noticed but we are starting to see a global crackdown on corruption. the digital age has made it increasingly hard to hide the act of stealing money by fudging numbers. and i feel i worldwide shift towards not letting that shit slide anymore. when are people going to learn that, with the avenue of computers, endless logs, and ease of access, comes the increased probability of capture? you can't hide your indiscretions anymore.

come join the straight and narrow, kids.